Can you tell that I’m a ball of crazy yet? Can you tell that I can’t stay on one subject and focus on one thing yet? I started this stupid blog because I wanted to vent and get things out of me that started long ago & things as of now. I just CAN’T seem to stay on one or another at all. SO frustrating. What the hell is a “ball of crazy” anyway? Well let me inform you…. It is ME.
Most people when they meet me are like “What the hell girl, can’t you sit still?” & “Shut the hell up, don’t you ever stop talking?”– Well, I promise you, I do. I do when I’m asleep and in bed. Maybe not good for you, but it is for my brain, it finally shuts off. And I love that. I can’t help that I bother you, I can’t help that I am a person that absolutely annoys you. If you truly don’t like me you really don’t have to be around me. I don’t try and come across that way. I don’t wake up in the morning and set out to drive people nuts. Trust me. It takes a lot for me to even want to get out and be around public for the reasons that I don’t want to be judged. I am a human being, I have feelings damnit! Funny thing though is that I tell my therapist all the damn time that it doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks. (I know she knows my secret, it’s just fun acting like she doesn’t.) So, Kathy if you’re reading this, promise you will keep acting like you don’t know.
I was told last week, heck it may have been this week that I was very manic. I didn’t see that. Or maybe it was that I just didn’t want to recognize it. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like too much was going on that day. Holy shit, it was SO much. Grocery store, labs, picking up prescriptions yada yada yada… Two doctor appointments with my oldest daughter, and then changing meds AGAIN. I HATE that. Keep things the same, why do we always have to change things? Oh yeah, cause life’s like that. I do, though, want to make my daughter happy and to see her full of pride. Middle School sucked for her. Kids are so mean. Making fun of her because of her acne and being so much taller.. but they say she is different. Who cares? She is, but I love her! Being different is cool!
So again, off subject. Oops. Anyway, ball of crazy, yes… that’s where we were. I feel like I would really like to be normal. Like everyone else, handle my issues about appts, traffic, cleanliness,and store and things of that nature. But I can’t. I just kind of freeze up and get so MAD. Why mad though?? I hate to be out all day, I hate to be or feel stuck somewhere for hours, I hate when I am around a large crowd that seems to swallow me in. I do it though, out of love for others. Family will not believe this, but it’s so undeniably true. I am alright for a while, then it’s time to go the hell home. That is my comfort spot. No judgmental jerks. No making fun, no rude comments about my babbling. *A little, not a lot* But at least it’s made out to be funny not ass-hole-ish. Ya know? I know that over time I will get my head in order and I will feel better, or at least I hope that comes true.