I was so mad when I started this.

I am so lost and confused. I don’t understand. I can’t stop crying. I don’t like to feel sadness, it’s the worst feeling ever, which leads to me feeling angry.  I am there now.

I am going to go apeshit trying to figure out what to do next.

You see, my therapists office called tonight. Not a person, actually it was a robot automated call. Saying that the building is closing its doors. I am devastated. Just “Sorry, please pick up your records and we will give you a sheet where to be referred to seek treatment.” Alright, first of all, I just met the new psychiatrist that started this past month. They changed my meds… That was hard in itself. Now they just close the damn building? I feel cheated. I want my Kathy back!!! I don’t want to lose her! I can’t start over. I just can’t. Too many things have happened to me that I shared with her that I clearly have stated in the past that I DON’T want to share with another. I am so frustrated. How can they do that to someone, ANYone for that matter?. I have been seeing the same lady for twelve/thirteen years now and she is and the damn psychiatrist is gone too. Why?? 

I know she is probably just as frustrated and I try and think of it that way, it was her job of course. But seriously, do I really want to start over? I am going to miss her so much. I don’t want to miss her. I need her in my life.

You’re probably thinking, yeah, this chick is clearly out of her damn mind if she actually cares or wants to still see her therapist. But you don’t understand. She is amazing individual, she is why I am still here. I was in a dark place years ago and she was my savior. I don’t want to go back there. EVER.  She has helped me so much and has listened to the crazy that spills out of me.

You’ll be okay she’ll say. One step closer… You will make it. Don’t give up. Keep tying to see that other side of how far you’ve come… instead of looking back to where you’ve been. But my response will be, “Round and around we go Kathy, you see it one way, I see it another.”  I say all the time I just want to be okay… Just okay so I don’t have to come back.  Someone very smart said this to me tonight, ”   Even if you have to lie to yourself and say you know everything is going to be ok, do it. If you say it long enough you will start to believe it. You’re in charge of your destiny. You have to learn to put the past in the past and move on. You have to want to move on before you can.”    <– Smart Eh’?! Yep, I need to do this.  I have to do this.

I WILL be alright, I will get better. I will start looking at the picture in front of me instead of the one way out there. I have to believe it.  I want to end this journey of sadness, and depression with a little mania sprinkled in here and there. And I want to live, healthy and happy. Be able to be a  better parent. Be able to cope without fear. Be able to learn new things without frustration. Be able to forget the past and move on. And one day, I absolutely will.

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