Its getting real. Really real.

So the EBUS   is right around the corner and my nerves are SHOT! Having this done on the 9th, at 11… they say it’s around a two hour procedure but that I must have an EKG and more labs and possibly an MRI or CT before I go back?! Good grief! Stick a fork in me, I’m done. I am ready beyond words to get treatment and get on with my life, I am beyond words ready to hear the oncologist tell me the results as to whether I am stage 1 or 3. BEYOND ready. I just want this out of me. Or I just want to FIGHT  to get this out of me. Ya know? Tired of feeling okay, then angry, then sad, then happy, then lord… kinda feeling like its my bipolar disorder but not really… just way off the charts. I just want to feel better. I mean, who wants to cough until they cough blood while shopping at a the local Wal-Mart or a nurse actually ask you to cover your “germy cough” while you are with your sick daughter in the hospital as she is having her appendix out and you just want to throat punch her because even though, EVEN THOUGH she is doing her job, she is assuming I am just sick… like with a cold and I’m not. ITs lung cancer ya jerk. Its pneumonia due to lung cancer that won’t go away until we get this mass outta my chest, and work on the rest of me. So shut the hell up already!!  That’s how I feel…. 

Don’t you know I know that it sucks to be around me? To hear me hacking? To not want to reach out and cry? But ya have to try to be strong for me, it’s all that I ask… cause I will fall apart in the blink of an eye right now. But with this all said, I am still ready. Just be ready for me, to come out fighting. Cancer changes a person, but it will not change my spirit. I know what I mean when I say that. So for me, when I say it’s getting real, it’s getting really real. Things are changing, but I’ll be okay. In fact, I’ll be better than okay. I am going to stay me, I may look different, but I will hold on to that hope that is there in my heart and in my soul. Hold on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!  I.Am.Ready. 

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