So tired of waiting, so tired of the word “Cancer” It went from finding out what stage on the 16th, to now the 20th… my mind is about to explode! Just tired. And, you know what else sucks, when everyone else thinks you’re strong but you’re not. You are depressed as hell. I feel so up and down its fucking ridiculous. Finding out that a friend that is helping you every step of the way has two cancers breaks your heart in five billion pieces is torture. When I found out I had to pick myself up off the floor in a puddle of tears, she nor no one deserves this shit. She has two beautiful sons. A family… just bullshit. She is so giving, loving and supportive of me just to keep her own mind off her own pain. But I know it, I know this… its a coping mechanism. So to say the least no, I am not fine. I am a mess. I just want to crawl in my bed, under my soft blankets and stay there until after this is all done. But before slipping under my blankets; swallow my meds the right way and just SLEEP. But, just how many sleeps you say?? 
because the answer is the same, I have cancer. What stage, I do care, but I still have cancer, it cannot be cured. BUT it cannot be a winner. It just sucks so bad. Drawing up a will, looking into the future and not knowing what it holds… its just so draining. As I close though, I want to say, I am blessed. For the life that I have now, for the friends that I have in my life, for my children and for anything else that I am missing that make me happy (like sweet tea and soft blankets). Things might start changing though pretty soon… Keep your eyes watching. 😉
andthisizmylife 