It’s been a few weeks since updating, that’s my fault. I’ve been a tad overwhelmed and a little stressed out. Okay, a LOT stressed out. Anyhow, I completed 7 weeks of chemotherapy & radiation. Now I’m anemic and have to go in for B12 shots and in a few more weeks find out if I need iron through my good ol’ port. ~ needless to say I’m just in the “grey” area. Wait; is what they say to do now.
I hate waiting. I have 4 more weeks to have my CT SCAN and then we’ll know where I’m at as far as if my tumors have shrunk enough to say I’m in remission or if it hadn’t and I have to go back and have another form of chemo… An even more aggressive form. Which scares me. Having been on two types already that caused me to be sick, mood swings, my hair to fall out, acid indegestion …. I could go on and on. It SUCKED!! I know that all these things are normal with this, but I would be lying if I said I wanted to do it again. Screw that… 😦 So I ask myself all the time, ” Did you really just do that?”
Sometimes I find myself in the bathtub staring at the ceiling crying and just wondering where I’ll be in so many years feeling as if I’ve been robbed of my future. I can’t predict it. I can’t see what happens… It’s annoying as hell. I want to see my daughters graduate, go on to college, get married and see my grand babies born. Is that too much to ask?!?! I want what ANY mother wants. But this stupid disease makes me afraid and I HATE to be afraid; of anything. Then at the end of my bath I answer my own question after being upset and torn and afraid….Hell yes I did that, I really DID just do that. And I will continue to do it for my kids, and myself!
Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I want to fight. I want to be a stronger person and teach my children that it’s not okay to just give up. Cancer isn’t easy, it’s a bitch. But I’m going to be the person I was before I was diagnosed. Courageous, outgoing, not afraid to stand up for myself or my problems. I will talk about it more often than not to others because I feel it helps. I know that I pull the bald look off pretty well, or so many people say and are yankin’ my chain. I got this. I will keep telling myself this until I win. So yeah, I just did do that. 7 long weeks of it. I feel like right now; I’m a survivor. And I’m going to keep on going. Sure I’m gonna have my crying spells, but who doesn’t?!