So this is what it feels like, Remission?!

 Graphic words, read at your own risk: 

So after waiting for what seemed like forever and a day, (55 days I think)  I finally got my CT scans aremissionnd other tests back. And,…. I’m in remission.{Enter Remission Rocks Here} That chemo shitty shit & radiation killed those alive cells invading my lungs and other areas. {lymph nodes} With this being said, I am still in fear of it coming back. I think it’s healthy to have that fear, but it stinks… I should be jumping up and down with joy that I was told to live my life an go on… Ugh, cancer sucks so bad. I don’t know if its hit me yet…. Everyone around me is overwhelmed and excited about it, but I just can’t really wrap my head around it at this point. I sat in a chair and let this poison kill off this cancer and I was sick as a dog with multiple issues after starting the two chemos; but I got through it some how. My thought? My thought is that its a part of me now,  IFHC!!  I Worry about it, even though they tell me not to. Because there isn’t a cure, I stress about it. I still have to have scans every three months, labs, port flushes… its like a part of my identity. And Every three months when I go in to see where I am the fear comes back with a vengeance because I just want it to stay the same, or smaller. So, you can look at me as a pessimist or an individual living with a healthy amount of fear of something that is you. Or you can see me as a person who is living with the knowledge of how this all works.

Believe me, I do NOT want to stay in this “hole” that I’m stuck in. Its my feelings, and I think that until you’re told that you have this disease its hard to get away from it. With family, friends, people on the outside that know you’re dealing with it by your bald head and port sticking out from your shirt… Now I suppose its on me, to believe that remission is real, its really real! And its based on how I react to it, and if I stay stressed out, or if I climb out of this ugly doom that has swallowed me in. But, I just wanted to say, it IS possible and you can feel better. Being told you’re in remission can just BLIND you. Or it can make you better. I need to start making myself better now. Work on me. That even though I know statistics, fuck those, I can achieve better. I can continue fighting this stupidity and its going to keep going away. And, say it like I mean it….   IMG_0550 REMISSION ROCKS!

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