Six months in remission, and I have to say that I feel pretty okay. Not 100%, about 75%, but okay. Other than my trip to the ER that brought me to my knees in tears because of the dreadful room number. Who would have thunk that a number could make one just fall apart?? Room 9. That’s where I got my diagnosis in March of last year and it’s weighed heavily on me since. The reason for my trip was pneumonia, in my right middle lobe and near my heart, and into my back. All the while I was just afraid of it being my lung cancer back again. Testing me, lying to me. It won for a few short bursts, but it failed to be my cancer; its just pneumonia the doctor said to us. How relieving, but scary and painful. So now its back on bed rest, lots of fluids, medications and anger.
Anger because it never goes away…It just hides… The feeling of you never know. So much to think about when you’re coughing and hacking your lungs up. In pain, fever and everyone keeps saying, “its just a cough, don’t worry so much honey, that stuff will never come back”.
Well how the hell do they know?!?! It’s frustrating as heck to hear that all the time. No one knows!! I will live with this fear, (its normal I hear) for a long time. So tired of being told to move on, get past it, its over, you’re a survivor. Well, damnit; I can feel this way for as long as I want to and I would NEVER tell anyone with this disease to just move on…. Those words hurt. And no matter what you say back, whether it’s that you need a break at the holidays or you just don’t want to go out for the day you hear moans from the crowd. I can feel this way until there is a fucking cure!! Leave me alone about how to feel and when to move on. I will talk about it, blog about it, advocate about it and you better believe that others understand the difference between the stigmas of it. For a VERY long time.
And room 9… You suck. 😦
An angry woman with lung cancer