I finally turned to my therapist Kathy and just let it all out. That’s right, cried until my eyes swelled. And then came home and did it again with my partner. I HATE feeling sadness all the time, anger or hurt. HATE it! I haven’t (I don’t think) fully came to terms with the fact or face of my cancer yet. I have said that I have, but in truth, I haven’t. So many have talked to me and said that I am a warrior and strong and courageous and such… but good lord! It is NOT that easy. But it is pretty easy to put on a fake smile and walk on. Talk on and get on with everyone all up in your space. Especially when that’s all you know. Sometimes you need a break, and no one gets it coming from the person who always wants to be the center of all of it, helping everyone out. I hate that I can’t now. Because of multiple things, lifting, fumes, being out of breath… I just want my life back the way it was before. It may have still been a madhouse, but it was MY madhouse and I controlled it. Now I feel I have no control of anything.
Control…. lets talk control. I feel like I have lost control of literally dressing myself to making food. Because those who love me want me to be safe and secure with my body. If its cold out and I want to get air, I can’t because my partner wants me to bundle up so that I don’t get pneumonia. Which I know is fair and understandable; it just bugs me that I don’t and can’t go out the way that I used to. She is only loving me and trying to help. And everything else just goes with it, same as the doctors telling me what to put into my body. Anyone who knows me knows I want and craved control. Whether to make a grocery list and go to the store, or to make lists for the kids for school to have things done a certain way… and they are in high school! I am just a control freak! And with cancer, you have no control. Nurses, doctors, your kids, your friends, everyone who cares about you telling you what for and why. And its TOTALLY understandable! Just not acceptable I guess, (to me). If I had it my way, I would have control of my cancer and it would never return, and die. Damnit, I am SO angry.
I guess its time to make another appointment with Kathy, because there are loads of things I could go on about. But she has a great listening ear. 😉 And I guess the point of all of this jumbled up mess is, don’t automatically think that since a person is out of chemo and radiation and into Remission that they are happy and ski-pity-do-dah just prancing around great. Because some aren’t. They are still really hurt, worried and very confused about their futures. And some need more processing time.
One thought on “A little bit of a control freak??”
Preach! You are so amazing.