The Purple Haze of stage 4

  So to say the least the last three weeks of my life have been a complete blur. From taking a trip to the ER and being told I have not one,  but THREE tumors in my brain to my cancer is back and has metastasized and I now am in stage four of my disease and  having to relearn how to talk, think, walk sometimes, without falling… and even just get my memory back is difficult. I can’t describe what any of this feels like other than a tremendous fog…. stuck in my head, I want to remember so that I write and get it out of me and stop torturing myself with all of the what’s and whys…. This is all so scary and so angering!! So for now all I have is, July 11, 2016  I had a headache, I was dizzy and didn’t feel quite like myself, my partner saw that and took me immediately and it was confirmed that we were not off of our senses. I had to stay in the hospital overnight away from my two children and was very confused, still trying to accept or even hear the words tumors in the brain… couldn’t sleep, was in so much pain I couldn’t even see. I just wanted to sleep. I remember the doctors, the hospitalists, the nurses, the lights in my eyes, and the so many questions that continued to come. And then RIGHT after being discharged the day after, I started deep “whole brain radiation”


Hannibal Lecter said he loved my mask!

 – steroids, (to keep the brain from continuing to swell)- pain meds, all of it. UGH!!!!!! This is so NOT fair. Skipping along here,  I am currently sitting in my living room waiting for my daughter to tell me she loves me and to kiss me goodnight, and my other to say the same. This has been a nightmare. No one deserves this, babies, elderly, I don’t care who you are, you just don’t. But I have faith in my God, and in many friends and family still praying for me and my family. I just wish that while they say there is no cure….. the person who has it would just give it up already!!! Because I REALLY, STRONGLY believe there is a cure out there. And it upsets me that while my body has to go through radiation, and then the plan is chemotherapy again, I don’t want to. I should have had a choice. I want a cure, MY CURE!!!!! I want life.  With my girls, my family and whomever wants to hang out with me. 

 So with all of this being said, I hate my disease, but I will NEVER give up, or quit my fight. Why? Because of HOPE. Without it where would I be?  And because of my girls, they need me, my family loves me, my MOTHER!!!!! My sister Christal, who is trying very much so to regain what we have lost all these years fighting because of petty things.  My frousin Lisa, who I love with every fiber of my being, she is more like my sister than anything. ♥  A huge network of friends .. my TRIBE who completely surpasses the best of friendships around the states that all understand this situation more than anything. And I won’t give up because I made a promise to my dear friend Tracie. My God is a big man and he has me covered. I believe in that more than anything.  But, healthy fear is normal, And ya know while you are scared of a spider or a snake, I am a tad scared of tumors hanging out in my head. And possibly spreading to other organs. But I fought hard last summer and I will fight even HARDER this summer. Because I am NOT a quitter. And with everyone helping us, who is there to help support us, I thank you. Really. I thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Its hard to accept help sometimes, but in these times, its almost stupid not to accept. This has been a nightmare I never wanted to have or ever wake up to, that’s for sure. 

But I promise you this, I am thankful every single waking day that I open my eyes to the sunlight, and that I can still eat with my family, and that I can still go places… Because that’s just where i’ll be, Going places. For much longer to come. 



3 thoughts on “The Purple Haze of stage 4

  1. The thoughts…….. the memories………………. the life long friendship that we have shared is special…..and dear to my heart. It hurts when people you care about are going through hell on earth and there isn’t anything you can do, but pray and console them from 3000miles away. An over due phone call or FB reply just doesn’t seem like enough. Your very right it isn’t fair. But we are not pilots who Fly around the storms, we go through them. With the God of Abraham at our side anything can be accomplished.

    Storms aren’t made to destroy us, but to develop us.

    So proud of you. #keepthefaith

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