So after putting pieces back together, it has finally hit me, I don’t know why I wouldn’t let it or why I didn’t want to; but it has. I am SCARED. I hate feeling out of control, out of my mind, and afraid of what comes next. This in NO WAY means I am going to quit, it just means I am admitting I am human. I was trying to be the normal me and stay hard and tough and be strong. But; I have normal, logical reasons to be scared out of my mind. I mean two days before I found out I had brain mets I was driving my girls around with their cousin watching Finding Dory and grabbing pizza and drinks, going to the park. It’s absolutely insanity they just are THERE out of nowhere. I never really gave myself and still haven’t given myself the chance to process it completely. It hurts, way deep down. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am or how “sorry” they are, and honestly I get it…. I wouldn’t know what to say either If I were them, but saying sorry to me isn’t working, you didn’t do this to me. and I am not the strongest person in the world, there are millions of men and women fighting just like me. And I am willing to bet they hate hearing “Im so sorry” too…
Cancer is complicated. And it sucks, One day or one week things are fine and there is nothing going on in there, and then WHAM!!! Its ugly face is back again, in places you never wanted it to be. Not that anyone wants it to be anywhere, but you get my point. I am just SO unbelievably angry and VERY scared. I just want to beat something up, and tired of doctors offices and tests and yada yada yada…. I feel lost most days because of the vertigo, I can’t drive anymore, I have to be watched by someone at all times, feel like a 2-year-old , and my independence freedom and THAT alone puts me in a dark twisty place. Can I just go back in time to when I was a kid? Or maybe in Middle school? Because this isn’t cutting it for me. Then reality does hit when I see my kids smile, or just walk in the door and say “Hi mom!” And watching them grow into adults, but even that hurts because I am afraid of how much longer that I have to be or see them. A wise person once said to me “be realistic, this will eventually get you, but, you will live to lets say 75ish and probably have to fight this beast more than once, but YOU are very resilient and So get to your appts and go for it!!”
So in closing, I do plan on fighting the good fight but I am totally scared out of reality. But I will do this. No questions. And 75 might not be realistic to some, but it is MY GOAL.
One thought on “Reality Check!”
I have been in your life for 16 years and have gotten to know so much about you, but I have to day, that when I read your blog’s I learn even more about your fears and your strength. Not that you don’t share with me how you feel, but after knowing and loving you for so long I know it is easier to write about your fears than to talk about them out loud. The fact that you are even ABLE To blog about them shows truly great strength in my opinion. I sometimes wish I had your strength to even write them down, but I guess what I’m trying to say is Im proud of you . For finding a way to let ppl know that while you may not be Superwoman, you Leanna Kay, are courageous, strong, beautiful, and most of all I love you. 💜