What am I doing? I’ve lost it, I think. I have my chemo bag packed and ready to go. My new crocheted blanket my daughter made me, snacks and Propel… I feel like I’m pregnant! Yet it’s just preparing for a long 6-8 HR day in a chair that really isn’t that comfortable. There is music and really cool nurses. But that’s it. So, I’ll take my adult coloring book and my phone and yeah….
Tomorrow I have to take a large quantity of steroids to combat side effects from the three chemos I’ll be on. I thought the two steroids a day was bad. This quantity scares the shit out of me. There I said it. I’m scared. I hate this. I don’t want to, but I have to. I’m tired of waiting to get started again if that makes sense. I hate what it’s going to do to me, but I want this cancer to take a fu*÷ing leap. I’m tired of being afraid. Public bathrooms freak me out— what you don’t know how often they are cleaned and most of the time they stink and there is no tp!! Germs are GROSS!!!
I do want to address the fact that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Who make me laugh even when I’m falling apart. My daughter’s, Carol my love, Lisa my frousin, my mother, my tribe, Kim, Alicia, Rachel, and my sister Christal. You gals always keep me afloat. I couldn’t do any of this without you all behind me telling me to GO GO GO. And I am, I won’t give up. It’s just nice having someone in your corner. And I love you all. Each and every one of you in a different way. 💜
So as I type this with tears streaming down my cheeks, I think of my girls and think of how unfair it is on them. They should NOT have a care in the world or have to worry or wonder what will happen next. It breaks my heart when I think if roles were reversed. I really don’t know who I would be, how I would react. But what I do know is that I’d give it to God. I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m just asking for more time to make more memories. And make sure he watches my girls. That’s all.
*enough crying* Anyway, bags are packed. My head is ready, I may not be in get up and go form, BUT I’ll be there. Chemo isn’t really that bad. If you have an awesome Dr. as I do they make sure you’re comfortable. I just know and realize how bad my cancer is and know this is a lifetime thing. And that’s the part that sucks.
See you Monday morning chair. This anchor will not sink. ⚓
4 thoughts on “Ready or not, here I come. Again.”
I love you sweetheart and will be here for you always. You got this girl. All of us are behind you 100%. You are right Noone deserves to be scared every day. Anything u need I’m here as well as all your friends.
Once again, Leanna, your ability to express yourself in writing just touches my heart! I know God will be with you as you go through this. I’m praying for your strength & for your girls, Carol, your mom & everyone who loves and supports you. And I believe you when you say, “This anchor will not sink.” ⚓️
I love you sissy!!! Keep fighting, Yes….. You got this!! Stay strong , I love you very much Leanna. Kick cancers ass!! .
Leanne you are an amazing,strong, wonderful person. I have seen you on your up days and your down. Somehow you always bless me and the girls with your smile even in the hardest of times. I only wish I had half the strength you do to keep fighting for your family to be here. I know you get down and God picks you back up. Your hope,faith,and kindness is inspiring to not only me but to many who know and love you. I have to tell you your writing of truth from your heart is hard to read sometimes because I love you so much! Not because I don’t know them but because I feel helpless to fix your health, I will continue forever to pray for you. And I believe you will do everything you can to fight cause that’s just who you are Peanut. God bless you for choosing me to be in your life you are truly amazing! 💙😘