Scanxiety Sucks!

   Its that time again, scanxiety rises in my veins, plumping them up making me crazy. Making me nervous, its nothing like just your average xray or CT scan… its the type of anxiety that comes with is it back again, is it bigger? Is it or has it moved? Has it changed shape??… The list just grows and grows. And a person like me HATES it because not only do I have cancer I have BiPolar disorder and it just gets worse and worse for my mind… I mean, what the heck would I do if it came back? Well, I’ll tell you, I’d go back and do whatever they told me to do. And I’d keep fighting, BUT I would HATE every minute of it. This disease sucks ass. Literally. Chemo sucks. Its painful. Your bones hurt, you can’t go to the bathroom, your stomach hurts or you vomit, you can’t sleep but you’re tired. Actually you are so exhausted its ridiculous. You want to be left alone but you want people to visit, now does that make sense?? It does to me. Its dumb. Your hair falls out. Its itchy at first and then it just aborts ship. Main thing right now is fear. The fear is crushing, it consumes you. Far worse than any stupid fear you ever thought you had. Its awful. Cancer is the devil. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again. Its almost a special kind of torture on us… (as a VERY special Shannon would say) I just have to wait. Wait, wait, wait… Until then, lets ALL wait until November 19th, and then the 30th for my results. And PRAY that everything is still at bay. 

Over n Out

Feeling kind of irrational at the moment. Feeling confused.

Why do family feel that they can walk all over me when I clearly don’t let anyone use me as a doormat? Why do they feel they can talk so much shit and then just walk away? Without explanation, just “poof”.  Why do they act as if they care, and then without rhyme or reason just walk out the imaginary door that’s in my heart? And WHY do I waste time and energy on these people? Why do I LET them get to me? Oh, it must be the kids, it must be their tender hearts I’m protecting. It must be that I don’t want to feel the pain, and the aggravation of it all. Ya know? Mean people suck. Tired of it. Tired of bending over backwards making sure my girls get where they need to be, to hang with other cousins and aunts and uncles JUST to be snubbed when I walk in the door.

Who gives a shit I’m different? You’re not perfect! We are ALL different. Who cares?! I don’t care what you do or who you are doing… as long as you’re happy. Ya know? So what I’m bipolar… you’re a dick. This isn’t me being judgmental. This is me being honest. If you have an issue with me, tell ME. Quit being lame and just walking away…. Who does that?! I’ll tell you who. People that SAY they ‘get it” that they can deal with the fact you’re not normal… they are understanding. In truth, they are all the same. Jerks who want what they want, yet aren’t satisfied with you as you are. I say over n out… I don’t need it, I don’t want to make time for it. Because its petty. But not petty enough to NOT hurt my heart. That feeling of being rejected is sucky. I’m just saying. So, I’m don’t whining for now. I was just needing to vent…

 

Stay You! It’s Awesome!

I was so mad when I started this.

I am so lost and confused. I don’t understand. I can’t stop crying. I don’t like to feel sadness, it’s the worst feeling ever, which leads to me feeling angry.  I am there now.

I am going to go apeshit trying to figure out what to do next.

You see, my therapists office called tonight. Not a person, actually it was a robot automated call. Saying that the building is closing its doors. I am devastated. Just “Sorry, please pick up your records and we will give you a sheet where to be referred to seek treatment.” Alright, first of all, I just met the new psychiatrist that started this past month. They changed my meds… That was hard in itself. Now they just close the damn building? I feel cheated. I want my Kathy back!!! I don’t want to lose her! I can’t start over. I just can’t. Too many things have happened to me that I shared with her that I clearly have stated in the past that I DON’T want to share with another. I am so frustrated. How can they do that to someone, ANYone for that matter?. I have been seeing the same lady for twelve/thirteen years now and she is and the damn psychiatrist is gone too. Why?? 

I know she is probably just as frustrated and I try and think of it that way, it was her job of course. But seriously, do I really want to start over? I am going to miss her so much. I don’t want to miss her. I need her in my life.

You’re probably thinking, yeah, this chick is clearly out of her damn mind if she actually cares or wants to still see her therapist. But you don’t understand. She is amazing individual, she is why I am still here. I was in a dark place years ago and she was my savior. I don’t want to go back there. EVER.  She has helped me so much and has listened to the crazy that spills out of me.

You’ll be okay she’ll say. One step closer… You will make it. Don’t give up. Keep tying to see that other side of how far you’ve come… instead of looking back to where you’ve been. But my response will be, “Round and around we go Kathy, you see it one way, I see it another.”  I say all the time I just want to be okay… Just okay so I don’t have to come back.  Someone very smart said this to me tonight, ”   Even if you have to lie to yourself and say you know everything is going to be ok, do it. If you say it long enough you will start to believe it. You’re in charge of your destiny. You have to learn to put the past in the past and move on. You have to want to move on before you can.”    <– Smart Eh’?! Yep, I need to do this.  I have to do this.

I WILL be alright, I will get better. I will start looking at the picture in front of me instead of the one way out there. I have to believe it.  I want to end this journey of sadness, and depression with a little mania sprinkled in here and there. And I want to live, healthy and happy. Be able to be a  better parent. Be able to cope without fear. Be able to learn new things without frustration. Be able to forget the past and move on. And one day, I absolutely will.

Ball of crazy = What? Who?

Can you tell that I’m a ball of crazy yet? Can you tell that I can’t stay on one subject and focus on one thing yet? I started this stupid blog because I wanted to vent and get things out of me that started long ago & things as of now. I just CAN’T seem to stay on one or another at all. SO frustrating. What the hell is a “ball of crazy” anyway? Well let me inform you…. It is ME.

Most people when they meet me are like “What the hell girl, can’t you sit still?” & “Shut the hell up, don’t you ever stop talking?”– Well, I promise you, I do. I do when I’m asleep and in bed.  Maybe not good for you, but it is for my brain, it finally shuts off. And I love that. I can’t help that I bother you, I can’t help that I am a person that absolutely annoys you. If you truly don’t like me you really don’t have to be around me. I don’t try and come across that way. I don’t wake up in the morning and set out to drive people  nuts. Trust me. It takes a lot for me to even want to get out and be around public for the reasons that I don’t want to be judged. I am a human being, I have feelings damnit!  Funny thing though is that I tell my therapist all the damn time that it doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks. (I know she knows my secret, it’s just fun acting like she doesn’t.)   So, Kathy if you’re reading this,  promise you will keep acting like you don’t know.

I was told last week, heck it may have been this week that I was very manic. I didn’t see that. Or maybe it was that I just didn’t want to recognize it. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like too much was going on that day. Holy shit, it was SO much. Grocery store, labs, picking up prescriptions yada yada yada…  Two doctor appointments with my oldest daughter, and then changing meds AGAIN. I HATE that. Keep things the same, why do we always have to change things? Oh yeah, cause life’s like that. I do, though, want to make my daughter happy and to see her full of pride.  Middle School sucked for her. Kids are so mean. Making fun of her because of her acne and being so much taller.. but they say she is different. Who cares? She is, but I love her! Being different is cool!

So again, off subject. Oops. Anyway, ball of crazy, yes… that’s where we were. I feel like I would really like to be normal. Like everyone else, handle my issues about appts, traffic, cleanliness,and store and things of that nature. But I can’t. I just kind of freeze up and get so MAD. Why mad though?? I hate to be out all day, I hate to be or feel stuck somewhere for hours, I hate when I am around a large crowd that seems to swallow me in.  I do it though, out of love for others. Family will not believe this, but it’s so undeniably true. I am alright for a while, then it’s time to go the hell home. That is my comfort spot. No judgmental jerks. No making fun, no rude comments about my babbling. *A little, not a lot* But at least it’s made out to be funny not ass-hole-ish. Ya know? I know that over time I will get my head in order and I will feel better, or at least I hope that comes true.

I need some music to go relax to. Bon Iver here I come.