Ready or not, here I come. Again.

What am I doing? I’ve lost it, I think. I have my chemo bag packed and ready to go. My new crocheted blanket my daughter made me, snacks and Propel… I feel like I’m pregnant! Yet it’s just preparing for a long 6-8 HR day in a chair that really isn’t that comfortable. There is music and really cool nurses. But that’s it. So, I’ll take my adult coloring book and my phone and yeah…. 

Tomorrow I have to take a large quantity of steroids to combat side effects from the three chemos I’ll be on. I thought the two steroids a day was bad. This quantity scares the shit out of me. There I said it. I’m scared. I hate this. I don’t want to, but I have to. I’m tired of waiting to get started again if that makes sense. I hate what it’s going to do to me, but I want this cancer to take a fu*÷ing leap. I’m tired of being afraid. Public bathrooms freak me out— what you don’t know how often they are cleaned and most of the time they stink and there is no tp!! Germs are GROSS!!! 

I do want to address the fact that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Who make me laugh even when I’m falling apart. My daughter’s, Carol my love, Lisa my frousin, my mother, my tribe, Kim, Alicia, Rachel, and my sister Christal. You gals always​ keep me afloat. I couldn’t do any of this without you all behind me telling me to GO GO GO. And I am, I won’t give up. It’s just nice having someone in your corner. And I love you all. Each and every one of you in a different way. 💜 

So as I type this with tears streaming down my cheeks, I think of my girls and think of how unfair it is on them. They should NOT have a care in the world or have to worry or wonder what will happen next. It breaks my heart when I think if roles were reversed. I really don’t know who I would be, how I would react. But what I do know is that I’d give it to God. I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m just asking for more time to make more memories. And make sure he watches my girls. That’s all. 

*enough crying*  Anyway, bags are packed. My head is ready, I may not be in get up and go form, BUT I’ll be there. Chemo isn’t really that bad. If you have an awesome Dr. as I do they make sure you’re comfortable.  I just know and realize how bad my cancer is and know this is a lifetime thing. And that’s the part that sucks. 

See you Monday morning chair. This anchor will not sink. ⚓

 

 

Hello in there…

So its been a while since writing, BUT: for good reason! I have finished whole brain radiation. I have been back and forth to the oncologist, family doctor, kids appointments, (well, I don’t drive, they took that power away from me) in and out of the hospital and so on. I have been on Gilotrif -target therapy, for a little over two months but had to stop for brief moments due to side effects that I just couldn’t handle. Right now I am on a break until hopefully next Wednesday. However we know that it’s working because my tumors are shrinking! 

Now I’ll whisper about the hard parts. I am afraid. Who the hell wouldn’t be?  I often say to myself, Uh, Hello in there??  Stop whining!!   Every time I have a quiet moment, or time in the shower I cry. Why? because I don’t want to express it constantly in front of my girls. I told myself not to get close to the other patients this year because I lost two very special friends last year. They meant the world to me, but… as it turns I CAN’T NOT friend others. They are human, as am I. They ask questions about myself, and so on… they have beating hearts, And I want nothing but the best for them. Most of the time I turn sad faces into smiling faces… ESPECIALLY the older patients, its great. My nurses are beyond amazing, I don’t even have a word to describe them, and my doctors are the same. Right now I am so many things, sad, angry, nervous of tests coming up, BUT also, I am grateful. Because this “Cancer” stuff takes guts, strength, a pretty big fight, and maybe some humor!!  Above all of these things, it takes faith in God. 

I have faith that God has chosen for this path for me. And I truly believe that he will find a way, for not just me… but for ALL of us fighting the fight! 

 

Reality Check!

 

So after putting pieces back together, it has finally hit me, I don’t know why I wouldn’t let it or why I didn’t want to; but it has. I am SCARED. I hate feeling out of control, out of my mind, and afraid of what comes next. This in NO WAY means I am going to quit, it just means I am admitting I am human. I was trying to be the normal me and stay hard and tough and be strong.  But; I have normal, logical reasons to be scared out of my mind. I mean two days before I found out I had brain mets I was driving my girls around with their cousin watching Finding Dory and grabbing pizza and drinks, going to the park. It’s absolutely insanity they just are THERE out of nowhere. I never really gave myself and still haven’t given myself the chance to process it completely. It hurts, way deep down. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am or how “sorry” they are, and honestly I get it…. I wouldn’t know what to say either If I were them, but saying sorry to me isn’t working, you didn’t do this to me. and I am not the strongest person in the world, there are millions of men and women fighting just like me. And I am willing to bet they hate hearing “Im so sorry” too… 

Cancer is complicated. And it sucks, One day or one week things are fine and there is nothing going on in there, and then WHAM!!! Its ugly face is back again, in places you never wanted it to be. Not that anyone wants it to be anywhere, but you get my point.  I am just SO unbelievably angry and VERY scared. I just want to beat something up, and  tired of doctors offices and  tests and yada yada yada…. I feel lost most days because of the vertigo, I can’t drive anymore, I have  to be watched by someone at all times, feel like a 2-year-old , and my independence freedom and THAT alone puts me in a dark twisty place. Can I just go back in time to when I was a kid? Or maybe in Middle school? Because this isn’t cutting it for me.  Then reality does hit when I see my kids smile, or just walk in the door and say “Hi mom!” And watching them grow into adults, but even that hurts because I am afraid of how much longer that I have to be or see them. A wise person once said to me “be realistic, this will eventually get you, but, you will live to lets say 75ish and probably have to fight this beast more than once, but YOU are very resilient and So get to your appts and go for it!!”  

So in closing, I do plan on fighting the good fight but I am totally scared out of reality. But I will do this. No questions. And 75 might not be realistic to some, but it is MY GOAL. 

~Leanna Kay 

 

 

 

Scanxiety Sucks!

   Its that time again, scanxiety rises in my veins, plumping them up making me crazy. Making me nervous, its nothing like just your average xray or CT scan… its the type of anxiety that comes with is it back again, is it bigger? Is it or has it moved? Has it changed shape??… The list just grows and grows. And a person like me HATES it because not only do I have cancer I have BiPolar disorder and it just gets worse and worse for my mind… I mean, what the heck would I do if it came back? Well, I’ll tell you, I’d go back and do whatever they told me to do. And I’d keep fighting, BUT I would HATE every minute of it. This disease sucks ass. Literally. Chemo sucks. Its painful. Your bones hurt, you can’t go to the bathroom, your stomach hurts or you vomit, you can’t sleep but you’re tired. Actually you are so exhausted its ridiculous. You want to be left alone but you want people to visit, now does that make sense?? It does to me. Its dumb. Your hair falls out. Its itchy at first and then it just aborts ship. Main thing right now is fear. The fear is crushing, it consumes you. Far worse than any stupid fear you ever thought you had. Its awful. Cancer is the devil. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again. Its almost a special kind of torture on us… (as a VERY special Shannon would say) I just have to wait. Wait, wait, wait… Until then, lets ALL wait until November 19th, and then the 30th for my results. And PRAY that everything is still at bay. 

So this is what it feels like, Remission?!

 Graphic words, read at your own risk: 

So after waiting for what seemed like forever and a day, (55 days I think)  I finally got my CT scans and other tests back. And,…. I’m in remission.{Enter Remission Rocks Here} That chemo shitty shit & radiation killed those alive cells invading my lungs and other areas. {lymph nodes} With this being said, I am still in fear of it coming back. I think it’s healthy to have that fear, but it stinks… I should be jumping up and down with joy that I was told to live my life an go on… Ugh, cancer sucks so bad. I don’t know if its hit me yet…. Everyone around me is overwhelmed and excited about it, but I just can’t really wrap my head around it at this point. I sat in a chair and let this poison kill off this cancer and I was sick as a dog with multiple issues after starting the two chemos; but I got through it some how. My thought? My thought is that its a part of me now,  IFHC!!  I Worry about it, even though they tell me not to. Because there isn’t a cure, I stress about it. I still have to have scans every three months, labs, port flushes… its like a part of my identity. And Every three months when I go in to see where I am the fear comes back with a vengeance because I just want it to stay the same, or smaller. So, you can look at me as a pessimist or an individual living with a healthy amount of fear of something that is you. Or you can see me as a person who is living with the knowledge of how this all works.

Believe me, I do NOT want to stay in this “hole” that I’m stuck in. Its my feelings, and I think that until you’re told that you have this disease its hard to get away from it. With family, friends, people on the outside that know you’re dealing with it by your bald head and port sticking out from your shirt… Now I suppose its on me, to believe that remission is real, its really real! And its based on how I react to it, and if I stay stressed out, or if I climb out of this ugly doom that has swallowed me in. But, I just wanted to say, it IS possible and you can feel better. Being told you’re in remission can just BLIND you. Or it can make you better. I need to start making myself better now. Work on me. That even though I know statistics, fuck those, I can achieve better. I can continue fighting this stupidity and its going to keep going away. And, say it like I mean it….    REMISSION ROCKS!

My head is spinning.

So now I have a real definitive diagnosis, stage IIIA lung cancer. Well; shit, it went from learning to having to go to classes an hour-long for RT (radiation therapy) and Chemo this week, then my port surgery this Friday… then here we go to RT and chemo next week! OMG! My mind is mush, my heart is crushed, and I feel like I could puke at any given second. This my friends, is bullshit! What if I said I wasn’t ready for this fight? I wasn’t ready to sit in a chair for over an hour at a time and puke with special cookies being handed out?  And When does this damn anger go away?!?!  I feel more than bipolar, I feel so beyond batshit crazy… one second I feel strong, able to get through this, then I feel sad and like I’m falling apart. Normal for this, no? What IS normal anyway? What are we supposed to feel during being staged and during treatment? I assume it’s all relatively normal, but I am hating every second. However, it could be worse. I won’t give up, I won’t give in to the devil that is eating my lungs. I need them. I am just so fucking MAD! I want to feel strength again and love and most of all HOPE. It’s just all happening so fast. I feel like I was just at my daughters basketball game coughing and said “I really need to get this looked into” and BAM, I have cancer… my head is just not right, it’s just spinning in fact. This can’t be real. I’m scared.                                                                   

It all started with

August 2, 2013- It started out as your typical going out paying bills, grocery shopping, getting gas in the car. It all started out with just getting things done with the kids putting things in their new lockers at school, heading to get my oldest daughters weekly allergy shots. Feeling excited to start a new school year with my girls growing and getting to meet new friends and learning new things.   And then it came. The awful, dreaded, terrible thing.

The fear, the anxiety raising up in my chest. The anger of what was happening. The not knowing what to do next. The awful pounding of my heart, the sweat rolling down my forehead and dripping onto my shirt. Feeling the sting in my cheek as I bit down. Seeing what I saw; I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. At first it was just a glimpse of what I thought was a white car was actually a gold car crossing the road, then it just kind of sat there… I think he was confused as to if he could make it across or not, and the closer I got the more I saw… I yelled. I yelled loudly, very very loudly…. No, no, no, no NO! And then I saw a face, a small face, I saw glasses, and a hand or an arm. It just kind of raised up. And then I closed my eyes really tight.          Boom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

 And then there was lots of blinking lights and sirens and people everywhere. My girls were terrified, yelling for help, pleading for someone to come to us. Begging for someone, anyone to come and get us out.  I smelled smoke, and lots of other weird smells. I tasted blood in my mouth, and there was a jabbing pain in my knee and chest. My head was pounding. I couldn’t move to see if my kids were alright. I felt helpless. I felt so much anger! Why did this have to happen? I felt so incredibly numb.  But then I felt my door open and family was there, we were going into an ambulance. We were all together. I saw bright lights, I felt lots of pokes, I heard my daughter keep telling the technician to help her mom. I held her hand and told her that she and her sister needed to be strong we were going to be alright. We were safe.

Looking up out of it, I saw white ceilings and heard voices everywhere yelling trauma , medic 2. Doctors everywhere, nurses, curtains closed… curtains opened. In and out, questions, comments, telling me this and that. What was next, “What is your name ma’am?, your children are next door ma’am. We have called your family ma’am.” Meanwhile I was thinking,  Delotted, Phentanyl,Ibuprofen… just give me something for this terrible headache!  Machines hovering over me, scissors coming towards me… they had to cut my clothes off. My favorite shirt was being cut off.  Wait, why was I so worried about a shirt? It was my BELIEVE shirt. It said Celebrate, fearless, courage, unity, powerful,love, awareness. Did that mean something the day I was wearing it?

I finally got to see my girls, they were doing so well. They had xrays and were checked out. They had some bruises and seat belt lacerations. But they were good. I was never so happy to see them. They went and waited with their aunt and uncle while I was still in a neck brace and waiting on tests to come back. So much pain in my body. So so much. Phentanyl again please…. the Chaplain came in to check on me. He held my hand and said that he and an officer wanted to talk to me about something. My Partner held my hand and told me they would be right back.

So many people kept walking past my trauma room. I sat in waiting.. actually, I was lying and waiting. They soon returned. The officer was on my right side, and my partner on my left. They told me what happened to the other people in the gold car. The female in the passenger side had passed away. I cried and cried and was devastated at what had happened to her. My anger turned into so much sadness and pain. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt so much guilt. Started to ask millions of questions, was I going to jail, was I going to see my daughters again? Was I a murderer? The officer said to me over and over that it was not my fault, that it was an accident. That God had plans that day to spare me and my girls.

I still blame myself for this, I still have nightmares and I still feel this awful guilt. It swallows me up sometimes. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can’t function for a little while after driving past a accident scene or hearing certain sounds that take me back there to that day. I hate that I can’t just put it away and be normal. But, what the hell is normal right?? Do normal people just not worry about the other person in a car accident? Nah, they think about it. I know what I mean though. I just want to listen to music and not cry thinking of that day, dream good dreams, eat a meal, take a hot shower, drive down the road…. alright alright repetitive I get it.  I, I just want “my normal” to come back to me. I just want to feel better. Brave for helping my kids through it. Grateful, that we made it. Blessed, that the other family was so understanding and thoughtful of my children after just losing their mother/grandmother. But most of all, indebted to the man upstairs.