August 2, 2013- It started out as your typical going out paying bills, grocery shopping, getting gas in the car. It all started out with just getting things done with the kids putting things in their new lockers at school, heading to get my oldest daughters weekly allergy shots. Feeling excited to start a new school year with my girls growing and getting to meet new friends and learning new things. And then it came. The awful, dreaded, terrible thing.
The fear, the anxiety raising up in my chest. The anger of what was happening. The not knowing what to do next. The awful pounding of my heart, the sweat rolling down my forehead and dripping onto my shirt. Feeling the sting in my cheek as I bit down. Seeing what I saw; I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. At first it was just a glimpse of what I thought was a white car was actually a gold car crossing the road, then it just kind of sat there… I think he was confused as to if he could make it across or not, and the closer I got the more I saw… I yelled. I yelled loudly, very very loudly…. No, no, no, no NO! And then I saw a face, a small face, I saw glasses, and a hand or an arm. It just kind of raised up. And then I closed my eyes really tight. Boom.
And then there was lots of blinking lights and sirens and people everywhere. My girls were terrified, yelling for help, pleading for someone to come to us. Begging for someone, anyone to come and get us out. I smelled smoke, and lots of other weird smells. I tasted blood in my mouth, and there was a jabbing pain in my knee and chest. My head was pounding. I couldn’t move to see if my kids were alright. I felt helpless. I felt so much anger! Why did this have to happen? I felt so incredibly numb. But then I felt my door open and family was there, we were going into an ambulance. We were all together. I saw bright lights, I felt lots of pokes, I heard my daughter keep telling the technician to help her mom. I held her hand and told her that she and her sister needed to be strong we were going to be alright. We were safe.
Looking up out of it, I saw white ceilings and heard voices everywhere yelling trauma , medic 2. Doctors everywhere, nurses, curtains closed… curtains opened. In and out, questions, comments, telling me this and that. What was next, “What is your name ma’am?, your children are next door ma’am. We have called your family ma’am.” Meanwhile I was thinking, Delotted, Phentanyl,Ibuprofen… just give me something for this terrible headache! Machines hovering over me, scissors coming towards me… they had to cut my clothes off. My favorite shirt was being cut off. Wait, why was I so worried about a shirt? It was my BELIEVE shirt. It said Celebrate, fearless, courage, unity, powerful,love, awareness. Did that mean something the day I was wearing it?
I finally got to see my girls, they were doing so well. They had xrays and were checked out. They had some bruises and seat belt lacerations. But they were good. I was never so happy to see them. They went and waited with their aunt and uncle while I was still in a neck brace and waiting on tests to come back. So much pain in my body. So so much. Phentanyl again please…. the Chaplain came in to check on me. He held my hand and said that he and an officer wanted to talk to me about something. My Partner held my hand and told me they would be right back.
So many people kept walking past my trauma room. I sat in waiting.. actually, I was lying and waiting. They soon returned. The officer was on my right side, and my partner on my left. They told me what happened to the other people in the gold car. The female in the passenger side had passed away. I cried and cried and was devastated at what had happened to her. My anger turned into so much sadness and pain. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt so much guilt. Started to ask millions of questions, was I going to jail, was I going to see my daughters again? Was I a murderer? The officer said to me over and over that it was not my fault, that it was an accident. That God had plans that day to spare me and my girls.
I still blame myself for this, I still have nightmares and I still feel this awful guilt. It swallows me up sometimes. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can’t function for a little while after driving past a accident scene or hearing certain sounds that take me back there to that day. I hate that I can’t just put it away and be normal. But, what the hell is normal right?? Do normal people just not worry about the other person in a car accident? Nah, they think about it. I know what I mean though. I just want to listen to music and not cry thinking of that day, dream good dreams, eat a meal, take a hot shower, drive down the road…. alright alright repetitive I get it. I, I just want “my normal” to come back to me. I just want to feel better. Brave for helping my kids through it. Grateful, that we made it. Blessed, that the other family was so understanding and thoughtful of my children after just losing their mother/grandmother. But most of all, indebted to the man upstairs.