Lets add more meds, Potassium, EVEN MORE steroids, to cover brain swelling that my radiation oncologist believes is just radiation swelling forming a spot…. (the size of 5 dimes stacked) -platelets falling, hemoglobin shot feels like a little to one but to one like me feels like the world is crumbling around them. Like you have to live in a bubble. You have to watch your step so you don’t fall, don’t use cutlery or you could bleed out. Staying in a store almost makes you want to be wheeled out on a stretcher because you’ve become so tired you need down time for the next so many days following. I hate it. I just want my fun fast paced life back.
Listen, I’m not trying to bitch… It’s just hard. Relying on the ones that I love to help so much with the smallest of things. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, trash, something I love to do in the winter shovel the walk. However; with the steroids WOW those keep me up at night and I can’t think, sleep, or anything that requires brain “smarticles”. I think I’m Superwoman and can hide that I rearrange my cabinets and dust and wipe the walls and such at night where I won’t get caught. But it hasn’t happened yet. Then though, after doing all these things I am in so much physical pain it’s literally ridiculous. I should be able to do that, right?? WRONG.
Music has always been my therapy along with driving and driving is gone for the moment as well. I guess writing does something constructive with my time. With each sentence a tear falls. With that being said; as always I’ll grab a tissue and keep that hope and believe that I’m not done yet. Hold on. Always holding on and never letting go of hope. Ever. And this anchor ⚓ will not sink.
What am I doing? I’ve lost it, I think. I have my chemo bag packed and ready to go. My new crocheted blanket my daughter made me, snacks and Propel… I feel like I’m pregnant! Yet it’s just preparing for a long 6-8 HR day in a chair that really isn’t that comfortable. There is music and really cool nurses. But that’s it. So, I’ll take my adult coloring book and my phone and yeah….
Tomorrow I have to take a large quantity of steroids to combat side effects from the three chemos I’ll be on. I thought the two steroids a day was bad. This quantity scares the shit out of me. There I said it. I’m scared. I hate this. I don’t want to, but I have to. I’m tired of waiting to get started again if that makes sense. I hate what it’s going to do to me, but I want this cancer to take a fu*÷ing leap. I’m tired of being afraid. Public bathrooms freak me out— what you don’t know how often they are cleaned and most of the time they stink and there is no tp!! Germs are GROSS!!!
I do want to address the fact that I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Who make me laugh even when I’m falling apart. My daughter’s, Carol my love, Lisa my frousin, my mother, my tribe, Kim, Alicia, Rachel, and my sister Christal. You gals always keep me afloat. I couldn’t do any of this without you all behind me telling me to GO GO GO. And I am, I won’t give up. It’s just nice having someone in your corner. And I love you all. Each and every one of you in a different way. 💜
So as I type this with tears streaming down my cheeks, I think of my girls and think of how unfair it is on them. They should NOT have a care in the world or have to worry or wonder what will happen next. It breaks my heart when I think if roles were reversed. I really don’t know who I would be, how I would react. But what I do know is that I’d give it to God. I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m just asking for more time to make more memories. And make sure he watches my girls. That’s all.
*enough crying* Anyway, bags are packed. My head is ready, I may not be in get up and go form, BUT I’ll be there. Chemo isn’t really that bad. If you have an awesome Dr. as I do they make sure you’re comfortable. I just know and realize how bad my cancer is and know this is a lifetime thing. And that’s the part that sucks.
See you Monday morning chair. This anchor will not sink. ⚓
So, in the last few weeks my family and I have found out that I have a fourth brain tumor, and innumerable nodules popping up in my chest. So I’ve have five days of radiation and am about to have what is called an SRS treatment, it’s like surgery on the outside of your brain with a very precise level and degree of radiation on the new tumor. The past few weeks have been so confusing and startling that I think I’ve taken two days to process and actually think how precious life is. How I’ve had to prepare things for my girls (just in case) and that alone threw me down. It’s not fair. However, this past Sunday I watched with the rest of my family see my oldest graduate. It was truly amazing. I’ll never forget that moment. I have some pretty cool kids!
My other daughter is working hard and helping so much around the house and raised all of her grades and will be a junior in the fall when high school starts again. Again, I am so proud of her trying to juggle emotions and friends and you know just teen stuff. But; she did. And that grabs my heart. I am blessed. I know I complain a lot, but I really am blessed.
On the 19th I will be starting chemo again and it is going to be rough from what my nurse explained. But they have to treat this aggressively, as to the fact my cancer is a big fat bi*ch. And will be on this regimen for the rest of my life. Taxol, Carboplatin, and Avastin. Now, I don’t know about any of you, but it doesn’t sound like a walk in the park. But I feel like if I can beat a mass in my right lobe.. then three mets to the brain, I GOT THIS. But truly WHO has me?? GOD!!
Third time’s the charm. But as I look around and find myself getting angry or scared I have to use that energy to FIGHT. Instead of fall apart. I just wish it was that easy. Either way, I can do this. And I will not let my anchor abandon ship. It’s around my neck with hope attached to it. So what do ya say? Wanna go with HOPE and pray this round with me?