Scanxiety Sucks!

 rhr  Its that time again, scanxiety rises in my veins, plumping them up making me crazy. Making me nervous, its nothing like just your average xray or CT scan… its the type of anxiety that comes with is it back again, is it bigger? Is it or has it moved? Has it changed shape??… The list just grows and grows. And a person like me HATES it because not only do I have cancer I have BiPolar disorder and it just gets worse and worse for my mind… I mean, what the heck would I do if it came back? Well, I’ll tell you, I’d go back and do whatever they told me to do. And I’d keep fighting, BUT I would HATE every minute of it. This disease sucks ass. Literally. Chemo sucks. Its painful. Your bones hurt, you can’t go to the bathroom, your stomach hurts or you vomit, you can’t sleep but you’re tired. Actually you are so exhausted its ridiculous. You want to be left alone but you want people to visit, now does that make sense?? It does to me. Its dumb. Your hair falls out. Its itchy at first and then it just aborts ship. Main thing right now is fear. The fear is crushing, it consumes you. Far worse than any stupid fear you ever thought you had. Its awful. Cancer is the devil. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again. Its almost a special kind of torture on us… (as a VERY special Shannon would say) I just have to wait. Wait, wait, wait… Until then, lets ALL wait until November 19th, and then the 30th for my results. And PRAY that everything is still at bay. 

So this is what it feels like, Remission?!

 Graphic words, read at your own risk: 

So after waiting for what seemed like forever and a day, (55 days I think)  I finally got my CT scans aremissionnd other tests back. And,…. I’m in remission.{Enter Remission Rocks Here} That chemo shitty shit & radiation killed those alive cells invading my lungs and other areas. {lymph nodes} With this being said, I am still in fear of it coming back. I think it’s healthy to have that fear, but it stinks… I should be jumping up and down with joy that I was told to live my life an go on… Ugh, cancer sucks so bad. I don’t know if its hit me yet…. Everyone around me is overwhelmed and excited about it, but I just can’t really wrap my head around it at this point. I sat in a chair and let this poison kill off this cancer and I was sick as a dog with multiple issues after starting the two chemos; but I got through it some how. My thought? My thought is that its a part of me now,  IFHC!!  I Worry about it, even though they tell me not to. Because there isn’t a cure, I stress about it. I still have to have scans every three months, labs, port flushes… its like a part of my identity. And Every three months when I go in to see where I am the fear comes back with a vengeance because I just want it to stay the same, or smaller. So, you can look at me as a pessimist or an individual living with a healthy amount of fear of something that is you. Or you can see me as a person who is living with the knowledge of how this all works.

Believe me, I do NOT want to stay in this “hole” that I’m stuck in. Its my feelings, and I think that until you’re told that you have this disease its hard to get away from it. With family, friends, people on the outside that know you’re dealing with it by your bald head and port sticking out from your shirt… Now I suppose its on me, to believe that remission is real, its really real! And its based on how I react to it, and if I stay stressed out, or if I climb out of this ugly doom that has swallowed me in. But, I just wanted to say, it IS possible and you can feel better. Being told you’re in remission can just BLIND you. Or it can make you better. I need to start making myself better now. Work on me. That even though I know statistics, fuck those, I can achieve better. I can continue fighting this stupidity and its going to keep going away. And, say it like I mean it….   IMG_0550 REMISSION ROCKS!

Its getting real. Really real.

So the EBUS   is right around the corner and my nerves are SHOT! Having this done on the 9th, at 11… they say it’s around a two hour procedure but that I must have an EKG and more labs and possibly an MRI or CT before I go back?! Good grief! Stick a fork in me, I’m done. I am ready beyond words to get treatment and get on with my life, I am beyond words ready to hear the oncologist tell me the results as to whether I am stage 1 or 3. BEYOND ready. I just want this out of me. Or I just want to FIGHT  to get this out of me. Ya know? Tired of feeling okay, then angry, then sad, then happy, then lord… kinda feeling like its my bipolar disorder but not really… just way off the charts. I just want to feel better. I mean, who wants to cough until they cough blood while shopping at a the local Wal-Mart or a nurse actually ask you to cover your “germy cough” while you are with your sick daughter in the hospital as she is having her appendix out and you just want to throat punch her because even though, EVEN THOUGH she is doing her job, she is assuming I am just sick… like with a cold and I’m not. ITs lung cancer ya jerk. Its pneumonia due to lung cancer that won’t go away until we get this mass outta my chest, and work on the rest of me. So shut the hell up already!!  That’s how I feel…. 

Don’t you know I know that it sucks to be around me? To hear me hacking? To not want to reach out and cry? But ya have to try to be strong for me, it’s all that I ask… cause I will fall apart in the blink of an eye right now. But with this all said, I am still ready. Just be ready for me, to come out fighting. Cancer changes a person, but it will not change my spirit. I know what I mean when I say that. So for me, when I say it’s getting real, it’s getting really real. Things are changing, but I’ll be okay. In fact, I’ll be better than okay. I am going to stay me, I may look different, but I will hold on to that hope that is there in my heart and in my soul. Hold on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!  I.Am.Ready. 

My girls

I can NOT believe my kids are done with school this Friday! The oldest is  going to be in 9th grade (omg, high school!) and the youngest one in 7th grade. Where did time go? Why did they have to grow up so fast?  With time comes change. They have changed, SO much. So smart and so beautiful. I am incredibly blessed to have the two most supportive children. Always there, always lend an ear and have open hearts. With that said, teach your children to love, support and listen. You will be amazed at how they treat others and themselves. Sure we have bad days and like any kids they argue… but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Image