So now I have a real definitive diagnosis, stage IIIA lung cancer. Well; shit, it went from learning to having to go to classes an hour-long for RT (radiation therapy) and Chemo this week, then my port surgery this Friday… then here we go to RT and chemo next week! OMG! My mind is mush, my heart is crushed, and I feel like I could puke at any given second. This my friends, is bullshit! What if I said I wasn’t ready for this fight? I wasn’t ready to sit in a chair for over an hour at a time and puke with special cookies being handed out? And When does this damn anger go away?!?! I feel more than bipolar, I feel so beyond batshit crazy… one second I feel strong, able to get through this, then I feel sad and like I’m falling apart. Normal for this, no? What IS normal anyway? What are we supposed to feel during being staged and during treatment? I assume it’s all relatively normal, but I am hating every second. However, it could be worse. I won’t give up, I won’t give in to the devil that is eating my lungs. I need them. I am just so fucking MAD! I want to feel strength again and love and most of all HOPE. It’s just all happening so fast. I feel like I was just at my daughters basketball game coughing and said “I really need to get this looked into” and BAM, I have cancer… my head is just not right, it’s just spinning in fact. This can’t be real. I’m scared.